A simple technique to stop emotions from derailing your conversations
The subtle art of the self-interrupt
The key to emotional intelligence isn’t about staying calm all the time—it’s about catching yourself when you’re not.
And yet, most of us never practice the one skill that makes it possible: self-monitoring.
Self-monitoring is the ability to observe yourself in real time. It’s about stepping outside your own emotional reactions to notice what’s happening internally and externally, almost as if you were watching a video of yourself.
Sounds simple enough, right?
Here’s the challenge: Most of us, when triggered, have an automatic “click-whirr” reaction. It’s like someone presses a button, and before we know it, we’re:
Over-explaining.
Going on the attack.
Or completely shutting down.
The pull of these emotional responses can feel overwhelming. Like you’ve stepped onto a luge and are barreling down an icy hill at full speed. You’re caught in the momentum, convinced you can’t stop.
But here’s the thing: you can stop.
When you build the habit of self-monitoring, you have options. You can jump off the luge before it picks up speed.
This is what high-EQ founders and leaders do. But they don’t just rely on hope or good intentions — they actively practice this skill to navigate emotionally charged situations with poise and self-control.
Before we get into how to practice self-monitoring, let’s talk about why it matters:
It stops conversations from spiraling. Instead of cleaning up emotional fallout later, you can prevent the mess in the first place.
It builds confidence in your ability to stay in control. Knowing you can manage your response takes away the fear of being at the mercy of your emotions.
It’s disarming. Acknowledging your emotions can defuse tension and help others empathize with you.
But how do we actually practice self-monitoring? There’s a simple technique I teach my clients called: “catch yourself and take 2.”
Here’s how it works:
Catch yourself in the moment. Notice the emotional reaction bubbling up.
Stop and identify. Just because you’ve started saying something doesn’t mean you have to keep going. Pause. Ask yourself: What reaction am I defaulting to?
Observe and take 2. Acknowledge your reaction out loud, own it and reset.
Here’s what step 3 sounds like in real time:
“Oh boy, I can see I’m getting defensive — let me start again.”
“Wait, my response was overly harsh — let me give it another try.”
“Ugh, I’m frustrated and I’m taking it out on you.”
See what you’re doing? You’re stepping outside of yourself and observing what’s happening internally, reporting your own reaction as you observe it.
Here’s how one of my clients, a type-A CEO, describes his take:
“It’s a moment of pause. Because the moment when I hit bulldozer mode—there’s no pause. It’s full speed ahead. And like now, there are two ways to respond to this. What do we do? Imagine if I said, ‘Oh, Brad. Sorry. I'm in default bulldozer mode. Let me pause and try again.’ Very different.”
That ability to self monitor was a real inflection point in his leadership. He realized that when he got triggered, he wasn’t noticing the emotional buildup — he was on autopilot. By learning to pause, catch himself and redirect his response, he stopped bulldozing over others and started creating more trust and psychological safety.
Ultimately, the goal of self-monitoring isn’t just to clean up after emotional reactions —it’s to prevent them from heading in the wrong direction in the first place.
But owning your response is an important first step.
And as you get better at self-monitoring, the emotional moments become an opportunity to evolve, build stronger relationships and become a more effective leader.
What do you think? Are you ready to give “catch and take 2” a try? I’d love to hear how it works for you.
Love,
Renita
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